Silver Rain

There is no silver lining here. A silver lining is only seen. No, there is no silver lining, but rather silver rain. It falls in abundance from the sky, and all I have to do is lower my umbrella to experience it.

I spent a while wondering why I could not feel the rain, I could see it showering others and wondered why it seemed to avoid me. It took me a long time to realize it was all in my own hands. I had the power to experience the silver rain.

A few weeks ago, before I started lupron but after I knew I would be, I had a breakdown. I vented to my husband, parents, and close friends about how utterly alone I felt. I was terrified to begin a difficult medical journey when I had felt very little support in the past. I was worried about the effects this would have on my family without help, and terrified of rejection.

But I made a choice that I at the time did not realize would lower my umbrella. I chose to be vulnerable.

Publishing about this new chapter in my life and health was extremely difficult, but I felt that somehow it was important for me too. And I am so glad I did. Being open and vulnerable about what was going on with me brought help and support. I also humbled myself enough to ask for help, and the silver rain has poured down on me ever since.

People have reached out with help, support, and empathy. I have been privileged to hear other stories like mine. To find connections that I didn’t know existed with people around me. I have felt much less alone.

We have been stunned by the kindness and generosity of extended family and coworkers. Many tears of gratitude have been shed, and knees bent in prayerful thanks.

All this because of vulnerability.

In the Disney movie “Inside Out,” Joy realizes Riley’s loved ones come to help because of Sadness. This is the turning point in the film, and the great moral of the story. Sadness creates connection. And there cannot be joy without sadness.

And so I have hope. Hope that this “valley of shadows” through which I’m currently walking ends in light. In joy. And in the meantime I will soak up the silver rain.

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