Fighting Back

IMG_20180210_194919_133You know you’ve come a long way in your mental health when you start to notice yourself falling back into the black rocky pit of a depressive episode.

I know that sounds backwards, but it’s a new thing for me to actually notice an episode coming on this early. Usually I’m already at the bottom, wondering how I got there, before I realize what’s going on.

Depression has a way of sneaking up on you, so being able to turn around and say, “oh, hey depression, I see you comin’ my way,” is kinda a big deal. At least it is for me.

And now I’m in an exhausting wrestling match. Because I won’t let depression take me this time. This time I’m fighting back.

Sometimes it feels easy. I’ve got a new business to focus on, and that has really helped give me the confidence to push depression aside. I’ve been making really incredible progress in trauma therapy. My new treatment is going well, and I really am emotionally healthier than I’ve ever been.

But there are moments when depression has the upper hand, when I can feel the low creeping in. Always cheered on by anxiety’s cruel banter, and threatening to sink me beneath an anchor of self doubt. So far I’ve pushed back, again and again, and it’s exhilarating to be doing that for the first time.

But it also has me wondering… how long can this last? Do I eventually win, and depression leaves me alone? Is that possible? This is uncharted territory for me. I’ve never been in a position to possibly keep depression at bay from the beginning. So anxiety rears its ugly head and convinces me I’m only delaying the inevitable, and depression pushes a little further in, and the cycle continues.

But I will keep going. Keep fighting. Because I am a warrior.

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