When words fail –but people don’t
Writing is my main method of self-expression. To me it is more than letters combined into words and words into sentences. It is art. It is an attempt at communication in a way that connects people to one another, and connects people to the piece. My written works are quite literally a part of me.
I cannot say that I am very controlled in my writing. I let the words flow from an inner place –perhaps some may call it a muse, inspiration, the heart… whatever you want to label it, I see the words I write as living things that take on their own personalities and move my pieces in their own direction. I guess you could say I let the piece write itself. Like I am a conduit for art in chaos that simply needs to be organized.
Because of this my writing is very mood based. My style changes depending on how tired I am, if I’m hungry, what emotion I happen to be feeling at the time, what emotion I’m recalling or reporting in the piece…
If we’re connected on Facebook you know I’ve had an eventful week. If you follow my blog you may have observed that I post every Thursday. Last week, I did not post. For me, a lack of writing can be just as telling –or even more telling, of my state of mind than writing is.
There are times when words fail me. And those times are some of the most emotionally charged, conflicting, and dark times.
There are some things that can only be expressed in retrospect.
I cannot put in words at this time what my mind, heart, and body are currently enduring. The only thing I can say, is that I could not write last week.
I did try to journal eventually, but it wasn’t until this week that I was successful. That words returned to me.
But my words have become scattered and abstract. The chaos is not fully organizing. The words are flowing from me jumbled and confused. And I feel I am failing as a conduit of the living piece I know is waiting to be written.
So I will not, cannot address my current state of mind. I wish I could share with all of you right now my experience living the events of the past week and a half, but my mind cannot even comprehend where I am now. I feel lost, in a fog of uncertainty. Like I’m living in a dream, floating on a river that isn’t moving. Everything is so still. Frozen and silent. My world has quite literally stopped. I did not know that was even possible, but it is. It really is. There is a void, and I am unsure of what it is. Yet I am calm. And optimistic. Even happy.
But at the same time my heart has been utterly shattered.
I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me and my family. To all those who have made offers of kindness –even if we did not take you up on your offers, they made such a difference to us. I want to thank those who have followed the updates on my baby girl since she was born, who have taken a moment from your busy lives to comment words of encouragement or exclamations of shared happiness and adoration. I want to thank even those who have simply clicked a thumbs up or a heart on photographs. I am aware of all of you, and knowing you are all aware of me reminds me I have a vast support system. I want to thank those who live close to me, who have fed me and my family, who have been there for my son when I couldn’t be, who have visited me and kept me company and showed me you care.
I may not be able to put in words the chaos that my life has turned into, but I do know a primary emotion I have felt these past 11 days has been gratitude.