So many emotions…
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has experienced this: You know when you have like a million hard things happen that cry you out, and when the million-and-one thing happens you can’t help but just laugh? Like, “of course. Of course this just happened. How could it not.”
Like those really bad days when you think it can’t get any worse, and then it starts raining and a car drives by and soaks you in its spray. And you’re just, “ok, this was just one emotion too many and all my body can do right now is laugh.” It’s like this bizarre, instinctual coping mechanism.
The last couple weeks have felt that way to me. Like a really long day that started with waking up late, stubbing your toe, getting mugged, then the rainy car spray.
But I passed the point of feeling sorry for myself and reached that strange numbing point of just laughing at my life like it’s some kind of ridiculous soap opera about bad karma.
But when I really sit and think, I have to face the fact that I have a lot of difficult emotions swirling around inside of me. Emotions that are waiting to be sorted through and acknowledged. But I don’t know if I’m ready to do that.
Emotions can be more overwhelming than the things that triggered them. And when you have lots of them, often conflicting, all mixed together in a bitter soup of vulnerability, sometimes you just want to ignore the soup and eat some cake instead.
But the soup stays there. Sitting on the table. Getting cold. And you know the longer you wait, the colder it gets, and the worse it’s going to taste:
Two cups of to my face judgment and shaming
One large health concern, finely chopped
One heartbreak, seared
A pound of exhaustion
A never-ending to do list, crumpled
5 important things forgotten
3 teaspoons of physical pain
14 nights of restless sleep
A bad cough
2 dependents, one with confusing cooking instructions, the other extra rare
5 cups of difficulty focusing
2 loads of unwashed laundry
1 counter of unwashed dishes
2 cups of no time
1/2 cup of anxiety and self doubt
4 temper tantrums
14 days of loneliness
2 painful memories, shredded
1/3 cup of confrontation (optional)
1 tablespoon of ignorance (may substitute for an awareness campaign)
Season with: depression, B.O., vomit, headaches, missed loved ones, big and scary decisions, triggered PTSD, and personal failings.
Cook over a hot (HOT) stove for two weeks until pot melts into a charred, burnt crisp.
Serve with water. You’ll need the hydration after all the tears.
Ok, seriously though, enough with the dramatics.
This is what I know: hard things happen. Just take a deep breath… and take it one day at a time.
I know, I know. Easier said than done.
Ok Janai. One day. At. A. Time.